Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
