I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
