I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
