Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
