We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize