Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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