Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
