guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
