Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
