"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
