I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i came on her dog
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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