So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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