Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
