Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Someone stole a lamp last night.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
