The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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