My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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