I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
