i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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