giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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