Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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