I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
