im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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