You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
