Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
