then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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