Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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