I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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