Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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