I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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