Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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