i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize