Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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