Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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