Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
