sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
