Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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