I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
