I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize