last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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