I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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