I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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