Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
