I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
