She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize