I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
