You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In other news, I just burned my penis
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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