i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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