she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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