At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
