So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize