I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
