Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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