I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
