am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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