laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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