Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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