guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
