hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize