I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
