I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize