what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
