I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
