just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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