why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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