Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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